Mothers

I am trying to complete a book on " Mom tell me your story" for my sons and I am stuck.

The question is In what way did I interact with them that was inspired by my relationship with my mom...
Easy for some I know ..but for me I wanted so bad to be different than my mom..I wanted to love my sons and be there for them ..to accept them as they were..to allow them to be who they were destined to be and let them become the sons of God that He created..

I never wanted to hurt them.. I wanted to protect them...and I failed.
Did i do the best I could? I tried and missed the mark in my book.. I guess it was ok until My son turned 5 and I saw his innocence and fell apart...I never was 5 without the memory of being raped by my eldest brother..

I had a nervous breakdown that had me in and out of psych hospitals for 8 years until I left my husband and sons..I didn't want to leave my sons with there dad..There dad tol me over and over through the years that I didn't love them and that my leaving my sons with him meant I was abandoning them....The pain of those memories ..I have to let go with God to make it..It was not an easy decision,,,I have never felt like killing someone like I did my sons dad. It seemed no matter what I did it never was right ...he would hold me against the wall and repeat thing over and over --did i understand?? He never helped me with the boys until I did something he didn't approve and he would tell me over and over how he could do things better and i was wrong..

I believed that once you were married ity was for life,,,a major sin against God if you divorced..I so tried to be the wife and mom for all. I went to counseling ..we even had marriage counseling..my husband even went to a Batterers group..and he told me later that he didn't realize that he was one..

So what does this have to do with Mothers???
I wasn't there for my sons like my mom wasn't for me...oh she was ther but I always heard" I never had a mom so i don't know what I am suppose to be like" ....So I felt all I did was raise myself and protect her ....She older sisters and brothers and a dad who did alot of things with her..I had noone..I had a few friends who she didn;t like,,and my dad chased away with his actions.. I saw my dad hit mom and vice verrsa in a drunken brawl with my brothers breaking them up. I was hiding under the table and I am sure noone saw me.

My mom said she had to do things with girls at the psych hospital where she worked at as an aide as "they said she was like a mom to them"--she forgot what I had asked her to do--make an alowance for and let it be all ok. It wasn't ok ...it hurt..

So what have I done with my sons? I haven't been there..I tried ..but I have been so afraid to loose relationships with husbands ..why? Because I needed someone to love and accept me for me...selfish..I believed Gods word too much ..afraid He too would not stay if I didn't obey..I am so stupid..to believe such lies and the consequences have stole alot of precious times I will never get ..Life goes on,,,,all I have is today ..Today I am being the mom I want to be for my sons..It is hard to let the past be the past as it hurts soooo much.......

As I see them with thier step-mom..as much as I thank God she was there ..it hurts ..I don't like to share them with another.. I am so afraid that they love her more than me...and yet I know relationships have different types of love attached..all i know as I am trying to let go once again..I know that they are married and their wives are so beautiful and their famiies are ok for me to share...it is so hard to share the role of mom.....even my mom calls them her boys and that is so painful.....it is probably my psyche.. I am sitting here crying like a baby as I write this..it is so hard to haven't have it just about me and my feelings.how about my sons? Hopw do they feel? They always say it is ok...God it isn't..I failed them ..Ididn't protect them...i wasn't there for them...

I sometimes when I get in this mood I think of God and how He must feel as we have other things and people affect our relationship with Him,,,how it really hurt Him to see His son suffer and die and hpw it has changed His realtionship with His Son as he became the God-man..God understands...I know He sees my heart....and all I can seem to do is give Him my pain from choices I made,,,and He still loves me....I remeber when I thought of my sons all I could pray was God hold them for me and protect them ..I so want tooo...all I know is that my heart was breaking....so many times I wanted to end it...my hope was that someday I would have a relationship with my sons...and I do...God is good!