God's kingdom...may it come! God's will be done..on earth as it is in Heaven.. Powerful stuff..
Jesus wanted us to pray that way..I think we pray the Lord's prayer as thinking it was His prayer..but it was an example for us..WE were to pray that way..HMMMM??
It is more like God I want this or need that..God I think I deserve this or that..I know myself i have looked alot at what MY will was ..my will be done or else God you aren't who you say you are..The Big Santa in the sky mentality..
I have not allowed that prayer to reach the depths of my being..I have for years kept it superficial..a prayer to repeat in church with others..not thinking what it said except "a prayer Jesus prayed to His father God" and I to have thought it to be kinda lame growing up as to why Jesus would talk to His father like such when He himself was part of the God-head. At times I have just stopped and looked at that prayer and thought ,"what am i missing in this?"
Maybe..Jesus is letting us know that God our Father who is in heaven ...that is our Home also ..our Dad is there and is watching over us..You know how proud dad's get when they see their children doing things like they do..imitating the "good" things..That His kingdom as shared in the Word is good and Holy and beautiful and peaceful.no more crying, death or sickness. He wants us to share in His kingdom..because of Jesus Christ we are able to be heirs..Heirs of Heaven..God's Kingdom and all that is within it..Nothing barred...but then it is His Will be done..Man oh Man..God's ways are not ours ..they are truly better ...but we just don't always see it that way. To talk to God and say from our heart "may your will be done" I know i can hear with me groaning and sometimes screaming ..as if I know better than God ..it amazes me when i get into that attitude..not that I get there but the mentality of it all..I mean me a puny human knows things more than God..the whole thing is so humbling ..yet God continues to love me!!
Amazing!!
For God's will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven..Heaven is good ..earth is pretty evil and sad anymore..Why did Jesus say that when He knew that sin brought death? and that Jesus came to die on the cross for our sins so we could have relationship with no separation with the Father? I have always seemed to separate the heaven and earth..for God's will was being done in Heaven only and earth was to imitate..yet how could it do that as it was sinful and dying?? I don't think I am "seeing" what this all about..for a second I thought..God is love..Heaven is eternity in fellowship with Him which would be love..to be here on earth would mean to continue to partake in God's love for us. His will to be done on earth ..as it is in Heaven..His will is for us to have relationship with Him ..to be born again..I don't think Heaven is about THINGS..or our status and rewards..how many times through the years I have been told by others that they are expecting crowned jewels for what they have done for God by the # of souls saved by them..Maybe I am wrong..I know I have had this conversation with God and told Him if heaven was like the church here on earth I don't want to go..I want to be able to KNOW GOD for who He is and Praise Him.. I want to experience His love for me without any blemishes..I want to be able to sit on His knee or run through a field and laugh with Him..I want to know Father God how He wants me to know Him..no more fear or false beliefs..To see Him no longer dimly..as the Bible says we are just passing through here..earth is not our Home..
I do not know why we have sorrows and pain..and why bad things happen to good people..Jesus suffered alot ..why do we think we should not have to if the Son of God did..??But the Truth is He is God --He should be able to stop this stuff..It goes back to "we are not God" and "our ways are not His" ..He sees the total picture..and once we are in eternity ..there will be no more tears or sorrow..it doesn't always help when one is hurting..even Jesus understands when He said"my God .MY God why have you forsaken me? prior to dying on the cross..BUT the good news is ..HE AROSE from the dead..GOD was on the scene and never left..If Jesus had never died --He never would have come alive to give us the hope that He lives so also shall we!!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Holy is Your Name
Holy is God's name..as He is Holy. ..as I sit here and ponder that and try and take it all in..really who can totally? We can only see a minute part of who God is..
I cannot argue the point that God is Holy..He Is the Great I am .
And because of my relationship with Christ I can boldly pray to Him and come into His presence? Part of me says "yeah right" the other is more than willing to just bow down and say "yes Lord--have your way"
Definitely two different responses...To call our Father Holy..Did I ever consider my dad holy?..Not ..but He was to be given respect whether it was deserved or not..I had too many spankings to have that one hit home. So i look around at this day and age..especially with those younger than me..I think they are the ones that think they deserve and demand the respect . For what calling me names , flipping me off, not showing up for work and when the do giving less than, talking non-stop on the cell phone or now texting. I get the feeling that they think they are the ones that are Holy. Forget about what our forefathers did to establish this country as they don't teach it much anymore or that our fathers fought in wars for our freedom..I guess alot of valley girls say .." what has that got to do with me?"
I know God is Holy because I choose to believe that..but sometimes He seems so far away that I think He has no clue to what is happening .yet in the next breath as I talk to Him I am humbled at my ignorance of everything.
I try not to say His name in vain or swear as to honor Him ..but I am not perfect and I mess up ..Why do we blame God ? or why do I? He is far to magnificent for my puny complaints and i barely am able to glimpse at the whole picture. I make the assumptions from my viewpoint as if the world rotates around me..pretty vain at times but when I talk to Him the reality sets in again and I am saying "God you are magnificent"
Our Father ....who art in heaven ..Hallowed be your name..It sounds like the guy upstairs is too good to take the time and want to spend time with me. Yet He took the time and had His Only
Son show up and show us how to live and then willingly laid down His life so that we can have fellowship with Our Father or God..He paid the price for our sin....and with his death and resurrection the curtain was torn from top to bottom in the Holy of Hollies and the stone was rolled away..I know God is Holy but with that I sense the welcome mat is laid down and Father says come on in...lets converse.."Understand I am your Father..I am here always.. you cannot hide from me..as I see everything..if you need discipline trust me I will do...love I am available to
give that too..I will listen but you need to listen too as I set you on my knee. " I am your papa ( as He laughs a belly roll) I LOVE YOU!!!! I am your comforter, your counselor, your healer,your provider , your all- in--all. I am your FATHER...come to me ...and you will see . If you choose not too..well you will see that without my help you will fall and get hurt as you do not have My wisdom as you are a child ..never forget you are My child ..you may walk away and attempt to think you are more than .or don't need me...in the end you will see but then it will be too late. I want relationship with you now so I can show you my Kingdom on earth as it is in Heaven....Next blog
I cannot argue the point that God is Holy..He Is the Great I am .
And because of my relationship with Christ I can boldly pray to Him and come into His presence? Part of me says "yeah right" the other is more than willing to just bow down and say "yes Lord--have your way"
Definitely two different responses...To call our Father Holy..Did I ever consider my dad holy?..Not ..but He was to be given respect whether it was deserved or not..I had too many spankings to have that one hit home. So i look around at this day and age..especially with those younger than me..I think they are the ones that think they deserve and demand the respect . For what calling me names , flipping me off, not showing up for work and when the do giving less than, talking non-stop on the cell phone or now texting. I get the feeling that they think they are the ones that are Holy. Forget about what our forefathers did to establish this country as they don't teach it much anymore or that our fathers fought in wars for our freedom..I guess alot of valley girls say .." what has that got to do with me?"
I know God is Holy because I choose to believe that..but sometimes He seems so far away that I think He has no clue to what is happening .yet in the next breath as I talk to Him I am humbled at my ignorance of everything.
I try not to say His name in vain or swear as to honor Him ..but I am not perfect and I mess up ..Why do we blame God ? or why do I? He is far to magnificent for my puny complaints and i barely am able to glimpse at the whole picture. I make the assumptions from my viewpoint as if the world rotates around me..pretty vain at times but when I talk to Him the reality sets in again and I am saying "God you are magnificent"
Our Father ....who art in heaven ..Hallowed be your name..It sounds like the guy upstairs is too good to take the time and want to spend time with me. Yet He took the time and had His Only
Son show up and show us how to live and then willingly laid down His life so that we can have fellowship with Our Father or God..He paid the price for our sin....and with his death and resurrection the curtain was torn from top to bottom in the Holy of Hollies and the stone was rolled away..I know God is Holy but with that I sense the welcome mat is laid down and Father says come on in...lets converse.."Understand I am your Father..I am here always.. you cannot hide from me..as I see everything..if you need discipline trust me I will do...love I am available to
give that too..I will listen but you need to listen too as I set you on my knee. " I am your papa ( as He laughs a belly roll) I LOVE YOU!!!! I am your comforter, your counselor, your healer,your provider , your all- in--all. I am your FATHER...come to me ...and you will see . If you choose not too..well you will see that without my help you will fall and get hurt as you do not have My wisdom as you are a child ..never forget you are My child ..you may walk away and attempt to think you are more than .or don't need me...in the end you will see but then it will be too late. I want relationship with you now so I can show you my Kingdom on earth as it is in Heaven....Next blog
Monday, November 23, 2009
"Who Is in Heaven"
Continuation from the Lord's prayer.My Father who is in Heaven..Heaven.????
Heaven..I have been thinking about the end and what happens after death since the news of my husbands best friend got word that he has small cell cancer in the lung.Prognosis is poor..Lon says he is not afraid to die just doesn't want the pain..yet he says he is scared in the next breath.
Jesus said prior to his ascension that he left this earth to go and make a place for us. Heaven..making us our own abode there. For all believers in Jesus is the teaching..all
others if they deny Christ is hell.
Growing up I feared going to hell --to spend eternity there..whatever that was. It wasn't someplace I thought seemed like a fun place. And honestly heaven seemed like a scary place also..and I guess now that i am older it wasn't really heaven I was afraid of but dying ..death ..the unknown. I since have watched numerous people die and take there last breath and there is such a beauty in dying...alot of the fear or issue is on the so-called missing out on life here.
Alot of people share mixed beliefs on death..If someone dies young we mourn if they are older it is OK as they have lived a long life. If people have numerous tragedies of people dying it is like "how can they still live?" "how do they do it?" God is the giver of life and He has numbered our days. Yet we all blame God as to the Whys..if He is such a good God why does He allow such bad things..but is dying so bad if we look at it from a heavenly and eternity stand point..??Those who go first seem to be the lucky ones!! I guess it is just hard to accept that death happens and not when we want it to...and not to those we wish should have gone instead of...it is something we will all have to face. But if we are in Christ it is like we will just go to sleep.
Do you believe in heaven? As my walk with God grows and I am able to see more and more His love for me ...it only seems that there has to be a heaven and the place has got to be AWESOME..Do I believe in hell?? Oh yeah.but I do not believe that God is happy on sending people there who don't believe..My opinion is that God sees the heart and He will do alot to prevent it from occurring--as only any good Father would do..but than again He is just..I guess the judgement is His and He alone is God so He alone knows what will happen . I just want my relationship with Him to be secure and it is...as I keep my eyes on Him.
Heaven..I have been thinking about the end and what happens after death since the news of my husbands best friend got word that he has small cell cancer in the lung.Prognosis is poor..Lon says he is not afraid to die just doesn't want the pain..yet he says he is scared in the next breath.
Jesus said prior to his ascension that he left this earth to go and make a place for us. Heaven..making us our own abode there. For all believers in Jesus is the teaching..all
others if they deny Christ is hell.
Growing up I feared going to hell --to spend eternity there..whatever that was. It wasn't someplace I thought seemed like a fun place. And honestly heaven seemed like a scary place also..and I guess now that i am older it wasn't really heaven I was afraid of but dying ..death ..the unknown. I since have watched numerous people die and take there last breath and there is such a beauty in dying...alot of the fear or issue is on the so-called missing out on life here.
Alot of people share mixed beliefs on death..If someone dies young we mourn if they are older it is OK as they have lived a long life. If people have numerous tragedies of people dying it is like "how can they still live?" "how do they do it?" God is the giver of life and He has numbered our days. Yet we all blame God as to the Whys..if He is such a good God why does He allow such bad things..but is dying so bad if we look at it from a heavenly and eternity stand point..??Those who go first seem to be the lucky ones!! I guess it is just hard to accept that death happens and not when we want it to...and not to those we wish should have gone instead of...it is something we will all have to face. But if we are in Christ it is like we will just go to sleep.
Do you believe in heaven? As my walk with God grows and I am able to see more and more His love for me ...it only seems that there has to be a heaven and the place has got to be AWESOME..Do I believe in hell?? Oh yeah.but I do not believe that God is happy on sending people there who don't believe..My opinion is that God sees the heart and He will do alot to prevent it from occurring--as only any good Father would do..but than again He is just..I guess the judgement is His and He alone is God so He alone knows what will happen . I just want my relationship with Him to be secure and it is...as I keep my eyes on Him.
Friday, November 20, 2009
"My Father"--Who is in Heaven"
As I sit here and contemplate what to write and why....what I have come to know..looking back throughout the years of tears and heartaches. I so want to be real and to believe in a pure and undefiled religion...it is not religion that has saved BUT relationship..
I do not know how many times I read the Bible..I have had to purchase new Bibles through the years ..most the time because they were reminders of very negative thinking patterns and the only thing that seemed right was to get a new one and start over..Silly huh? Did it work?
Amazingly it did..I knew the writings hadn't changed ..the verses and chapters remained the same but I was able to see things in a new light.
Relationship...intimacy..being married to Christ...seeing Father God as just that MY Father..who Art in Heaven ,,hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come , Thy will be done..on earth as it is in Heaven. Give me this day my daily bread and forgive me of my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me...lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, and power and Glory forever.Amen.
Jesus taught us to pray like this as an example. The church has taken the verse and we think we're doing it as we say the same thing to God as if it makes us something..I think it started out as a reverent prayer...when one doesn't know what to pray..this is what we say...It is quoting scripture ..that is a good thing I guess. I suppose I have repeated it enough through the years that it is in my head ..but it is not being in the head that matters ...it is the heart ..the matters of the heart..from the heart the mouth speaketh.
SO I am at My Father..who is in Heaven.. Holy is your name..Flashback to my dad..my earthly father. As that is what comes to mind..One that treated me like everyone else, that didn't attended my basketball games, that rubbed his whiskers against my face until I cried and screamed out as he held me tight and would laugh at my reaction, that would tease my friends so that didn't want to come to my place, that yelled at me because the house wasn't clean as there was no time as I was in school, that didn't listen to me when I talked...who came and sang religious songs with me when he was drunk..otherwise he had nothing to do with me. He called me "sis" a name I hated as I was not his sister I was his daughter..the only daughter he had.Honestly I hid in my room and played my guitar , read the Bible..My parents never allowed me to go with others as they didn't approve..I had not alot of friends..through out my life I was trying to honor my parents and obey the scripture as they taught ...as Holy is God..and how would one please God unless you obeyed? Honestly ..I tried to see God as everything my dad wasn't. I think because of the incest at 5 my thinking stayed on the magical side ..Black and white. My dad was Black and God was white.Then slap Holy on and it is like there is no way I can be apart of Him..
I hated the prayer it didn't bring me comfort--it was like Jesus your making the gap between me and your dad bigger. I am unable to see your Dad in that light..The first part is like He is an unapproachable God/Father..didn't make sense..yet Jesus went alone and prayed alot. He wanted to spend time with Him. and then Jesus says if we see Him we see the Father also. So what is the meaning and purpose of this prayer? Being not a Bible scholar but believe that God is no respecter of persons ..and He talks to each though the scripture and the Holy Spirit is able to teach to each one that is needed.. I am going to meditate on this prayer and to continue to share what it means......to me.
I do not know how many times I read the Bible..I have had to purchase new Bibles through the years ..most the time because they were reminders of very negative thinking patterns and the only thing that seemed right was to get a new one and start over..Silly huh? Did it work?
Amazingly it did..I knew the writings hadn't changed ..the verses and chapters remained the same but I was able to see things in a new light.
Relationship...intimacy..being married to Christ...seeing Father God as just that MY Father..who Art in Heaven ,,hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come , Thy will be done..on earth as it is in Heaven. Give me this day my daily bread and forgive me of my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me...lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, and power and Glory forever.Amen.
Jesus taught us to pray like this as an example. The church has taken the verse and we think we're doing it as we say the same thing to God as if it makes us something..I think it started out as a reverent prayer...when one doesn't know what to pray..this is what we say...It is quoting scripture ..that is a good thing I guess. I suppose I have repeated it enough through the years that it is in my head ..but it is not being in the head that matters ...it is the heart ..the matters of the heart..from the heart the mouth speaketh.
SO I am at My Father..who is in Heaven.. Holy is your name..Flashback to my dad..my earthly father. As that is what comes to mind..One that treated me like everyone else, that didn't attended my basketball games, that rubbed his whiskers against my face until I cried and screamed out as he held me tight and would laugh at my reaction, that would tease my friends so that didn't want to come to my place, that yelled at me because the house wasn't clean as there was no time as I was in school, that didn't listen to me when I talked...who came and sang religious songs with me when he was drunk..otherwise he had nothing to do with me. He called me "sis" a name I hated as I was not his sister I was his daughter..the only daughter he had.Honestly I hid in my room and played my guitar , read the Bible..My parents never allowed me to go with others as they didn't approve..I had not alot of friends..through out my life I was trying to honor my parents and obey the scripture as they taught ...as Holy is God..and how would one please God unless you obeyed? Honestly ..I tried to see God as everything my dad wasn't. I think because of the incest at 5 my thinking stayed on the magical side ..Black and white. My dad was Black and God was white.Then slap Holy on and it is like there is no way I can be apart of Him..
I hated the prayer it didn't bring me comfort--it was like Jesus your making the gap between me and your dad bigger. I am unable to see your Dad in that light..The first part is like He is an unapproachable God/Father..didn't make sense..yet Jesus went alone and prayed alot. He wanted to spend time with Him. and then Jesus says if we see Him we see the Father also. So what is the meaning and purpose of this prayer? Being not a Bible scholar but believe that God is no respecter of persons ..and He talks to each though the scripture and the Holy Spirit is able to teach to each one that is needed.. I am going to meditate on this prayer and to continue to share what it means......to me.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
This days testimony 11/12/09
Growing...Seeing.. Believing ...God is taking me by the hand and walking with me--showing me He is faithful and can be trusted....As I open up and make myself vulnerable once again to others...hearing Him say " I love you and it is going to be OK"
EX.
I took a female pastor out to lunch the other day..I had went to her once for counseling back in 06 shortly after I surrendered my job of 6 years as Director of nursing..I never returned to her as I had some issues with what she required for counseling...It just didn't "seem" right. Funny how in 3 years later here she was saying a prayer at my exes memorial and she had written a awesome article in the paper on him..that I received copies and mailed to his widow ,my sons and his sister. I just felt I need to thank her for what she did..I also bought her a dozen roses..we talked ..she shared and I shared..I found out she use to work with flowers! She has a small congregation..with a recent church split..I felt accepted by her..and yes she asked where I went to church!!! To me I was in church with her for those couple of hours. God was meeting me..I felt OK being with her..she did not seem more than me..I felt we were daughters of the same Father and it was so good and all I could do was Thank God for being so Awesome!
Sharing on a brother's blog..risky for me as I fear rejection and misunderstanding . Yet, I gained understanding ,how God is being my counselor and it just blessed me.
Going to a Bible study at my mom's with other's. It was like God hand-picked the people that go--so I am able to observe interaction of the other family present and the leader is a counselor/pastor..and my husband is allowing me to go without much todo..it is a safe place where he can trust all is OK.
I have not known Father God in this capacity before..I have not seen His love in action for me like this before...He is restoring my soul....
EX.
I took a female pastor out to lunch the other day..I had went to her once for counseling back in 06 shortly after I surrendered my job of 6 years as Director of nursing..I never returned to her as I had some issues with what she required for counseling...It just didn't "seem" right. Funny how in 3 years later here she was saying a prayer at my exes memorial and she had written a awesome article in the paper on him..that I received copies and mailed to his widow ,my sons and his sister. I just felt I need to thank her for what she did..I also bought her a dozen roses..we talked ..she shared and I shared..I found out she use to work with flowers! She has a small congregation..with a recent church split..I felt accepted by her..and yes she asked where I went to church!!! To me I was in church with her for those couple of hours. God was meeting me..I felt OK being with her..she did not seem more than me..I felt we were daughters of the same Father and it was so good and all I could do was Thank God for being so Awesome!
Sharing on a brother's blog..risky for me as I fear rejection and misunderstanding . Yet, I gained understanding ,how God is being my counselor and it just blessed me.
Going to a Bible study at my mom's with other's. It was like God hand-picked the people that go--so I am able to observe interaction of the other family present and the leader is a counselor/pastor..and my husband is allowing me to go without much todo..it is a safe place where he can trust all is OK.
I have not known Father God in this capacity before..I have not seen His love in action for me like this before...He is restoring my soul....
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Church
My question is "what is God doing in His church?" It really is no concern of mine as it is HIS church. But I do not want to be led astray.
Do I believe in the institutional church? Do I believe in the home church philosophy? Do I believe one has to go to church to stay in the right standing with God?
#1 the church I know does not save..I do know alot of people put alot of their identity in the fact that they have a church they attend religously..The first thing I get asked alot is "where I go to church?" And I sense the "OH MY" when I share I do not attend or belong to any. It is not that I want others to do as I do because that is not how it is for me. I rejoice in the fact that i have brothers and sisters in the IC and I pray for pastors ..I want the truth of Christ to be spoke and taught and lived. I have a tendency to place God in a box when I go to church.. somehow because of my past I have to deal with a magical thinking---God truely understands and my reason for going to church is to meet God. So with that said I get stuck in this false belief that God is only at such and such church..and He only comes there..such lies... God is omnipresent. That means He is with me everyday and I needn't be any different than I am at any other time when I go to church.. Yes I have been hurt by people who attend church BUT that isn't the reason I don't go..It goes back to the warzone I enter and I don't have peace to go unless my husband attends with me.
Home church....sounds good but the same stuff goes on but in a smaller sense..i hate the me and mine and no more mentality ...it may startoff good but them it again boxes God in
To have the right standing in going to church? NO...believing in the personhood of Jesus Christ and that he came and died and rose again ..that He is God's Son..To have an ongoing relationship with Father God...the lover of our souls..who created us for His Glory and Honor..we are the sons and daughters of the Almighty . I think we make the church into the institution of man ..so many programs..trying to save the lost..when it is God who saves..The church only seems to walk in love when the doors are open and even then maybe..I guess if Jesus would come today would He be in the church preaching? I think not ..He would be on the highways and byways...loving on people.meeting them where they were..Would he be having alter calls? I wonder where that came from? Peter preaching to the thousnads on pentecost? I have been told that the people who because of thier word that causes people to be born again Go will richly reward them beacuse they were faithful? Not all are called to preach..So God rewards pastors or preachers more than others? Did God not say He was not a respectors of persons? Are we not one body and does one body part have more honor than another?
i don't know what the church is all about..I don't understand and I don't totally believe that the new movement is about believers leaving the church as they are being 'free' to have relatioinship with Father God..I know relationship with God is good and for a season He may allow not going to church BUT yet we are called to serve one another in love..And the different forums I visit as they share it is like the attitude is the same ..they put down the IC and the way they are doing is better..but isn't that what the different IC say about their church? I know the way is a walk of LOVE..daily to everyone...and it is painful as at times i just want to say "God why does it seem i am the only one denying what I want ? as others look on and say I have it wrong? But inwardly I know Christ gave His all for me--I can't argue with that...He loved and loves me ..and His love conquers all...it caused the lame to walk the blind to see, the deaf to hear and it saved me!!
Do I believe in the institutional church? Do I believe in the home church philosophy? Do I believe one has to go to church to stay in the right standing with God?
#1 the church I know does not save..I do know alot of people put alot of their identity in the fact that they have a church they attend religously..The first thing I get asked alot is "where I go to church?" And I sense the "OH MY" when I share I do not attend or belong to any. It is not that I want others to do as I do because that is not how it is for me. I rejoice in the fact that i have brothers and sisters in the IC and I pray for pastors ..I want the truth of Christ to be spoke and taught and lived. I have a tendency to place God in a box when I go to church.. somehow because of my past I have to deal with a magical thinking---God truely understands and my reason for going to church is to meet God. So with that said I get stuck in this false belief that God is only at such and such church..and He only comes there..such lies... God is omnipresent. That means He is with me everyday and I needn't be any different than I am at any other time when I go to church.. Yes I have been hurt by people who attend church BUT that isn't the reason I don't go..It goes back to the warzone I enter and I don't have peace to go unless my husband attends with me.
Home church....sounds good but the same stuff goes on but in a smaller sense..i hate the me and mine and no more mentality ...it may startoff good but them it again boxes God in
To have the right standing in going to church? NO...believing in the personhood of Jesus Christ and that he came and died and rose again ..that He is God's Son..To have an ongoing relationship with Father God...the lover of our souls..who created us for His Glory and Honor..we are the sons and daughters of the Almighty . I think we make the church into the institution of man ..so many programs..trying to save the lost..when it is God who saves..The church only seems to walk in love when the doors are open and even then maybe..I guess if Jesus would come today would He be in the church preaching? I think not ..He would be on the highways and byways...loving on people.meeting them where they were..Would he be having alter calls? I wonder where that came from? Peter preaching to the thousnads on pentecost? I have been told that the people who because of thier word that causes people to be born again Go will richly reward them beacuse they were faithful? Not all are called to preach..So God rewards pastors or preachers more than others? Did God not say He was not a respectors of persons? Are we not one body and does one body part have more honor than another?
i don't know what the church is all about..I don't understand and I don't totally believe that the new movement is about believers leaving the church as they are being 'free' to have relatioinship with Father God..I know relationship with God is good and for a season He may allow not going to church BUT yet we are called to serve one another in love..And the different forums I visit as they share it is like the attitude is the same ..they put down the IC and the way they are doing is better..but isn't that what the different IC say about their church? I know the way is a walk of LOVE..daily to everyone...and it is painful as at times i just want to say "God why does it seem i am the only one denying what I want ? as others look on and say I have it wrong? But inwardly I know Christ gave His all for me--I can't argue with that...He loved and loves me ..and His love conquers all...it caused the lame to walk the blind to see, the deaf to hear and it saved me!!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Mothers
I am trying to complete a book on " Mom tell me your story" for my sons and I am stuck.
The question is In what way did I interact with them that was inspired by my relationship with my mom...
Easy for some I know ..but for me I wanted so bad to be different than my mom..I wanted to love my sons and be there for them ..to accept them as they were..to allow them to be who they were destined to be and let them become the sons of God that He created..
I never wanted to hurt them.. I wanted to protect them...and I failed.
Did i do the best I could? I tried and missed the mark in my book.. I guess it was ok until My son turned 5 and I saw his innocence and fell apart...I never was 5 without the memory of being raped by my eldest brother..
I had a nervous breakdown that had me in and out of psych hospitals for 8 years until I left my husband and sons..I didn't want to leave my sons with there dad..There dad tol me over and over through the years that I didn't love them and that my leaving my sons with him meant I was abandoning them....The pain of those memories ..I have to let go with God to make it..It was not an easy decision,,,I have never felt like killing someone like I did my sons dad. It seemed no matter what I did it never was right ...he would hold me against the wall and repeat thing over and over --did i understand?? He never helped me with the boys until I did something he didn't approve and he would tell me over and over how he could do things better and i was wrong..
I believed that once you were married ity was for life,,,a major sin against God if you divorced..I so tried to be the wife and mom for all. I went to counseling ..we even had marriage counseling..my husband even went to a Batterers group..and he told me later that he didn't realize that he was one..
So what does this have to do with Mothers???
I wasn't there for my sons like my mom wasn't for me...oh she was ther but I always heard" I never had a mom so i don't know what I am suppose to be like" ....So I felt all I did was raise myself and protect her ....She older sisters and brothers and a dad who did alot of things with her..I had noone..I had a few friends who she didn;t like,,and my dad chased away with his actions.. I saw my dad hit mom and vice verrsa in a drunken brawl with my brothers breaking them up. I was hiding under the table and I am sure noone saw me.
My mom said she had to do things with girls at the psych hospital where she worked at as an aide as "they said she was like a mom to them"--she forgot what I had asked her to do--make an alowance for and let it be all ok. It wasn't ok ...it hurt..
So what have I done with my sons? I haven't been there..I tried ..but I have been so afraid to loose relationships with husbands ..why? Because I needed someone to love and accept me for me...selfish..I believed Gods word too much ..afraid He too would not stay if I didn't obey..I am so stupid..to believe such lies and the consequences have stole alot of precious times I will never get ..Life goes on,,,,all I have is today ..Today I am being the mom I want to be for my sons..It is hard to let the past be the past as it hurts soooo much.......
As I see them with thier step-mom..as much as I thank God she was there ..it hurts ..I don't like to share them with another.. I am so afraid that they love her more than me...and yet I know relationships have different types of love attached..all i know as I am trying to let go once again..I know that they are married and their wives are so beautiful and their famiies are ok for me to share...it is so hard to share the role of mom.....even my mom calls them her boys and that is so painful.....it is probably my psyche.. I am sitting here crying like a baby as I write this..it is so hard to haven't have it just about me and my feelings.how about my sons? Hopw do they feel? They always say it is ok...God it isn't..I failed them ..Ididn't protect them...i wasn't there for them...
I sometimes when I get in this mood I think of God and how He must feel as we have other things and people affect our relationship with Him,,,how it really hurt Him to see His son suffer and die and hpw it has changed His realtionship with His Son as he became the God-man..God understands...I know He sees my heart....and all I can seem to do is give Him my pain from choices I made,,,and He still loves me....I remeber when I thought of my sons all I could pray was God hold them for me and protect them ..I so want tooo...all I know is that my heart was breaking....so many times I wanted to end it...my hope was that someday I would have a relationship with my sons...and I do...God is good!
The question is In what way did I interact with them that was inspired by my relationship with my mom...
Easy for some I know ..but for me I wanted so bad to be different than my mom..I wanted to love my sons and be there for them ..to accept them as they were..to allow them to be who they were destined to be and let them become the sons of God that He created..
I never wanted to hurt them.. I wanted to protect them...and I failed.
Did i do the best I could? I tried and missed the mark in my book.. I guess it was ok until My son turned 5 and I saw his innocence and fell apart...I never was 5 without the memory of being raped by my eldest brother..
I had a nervous breakdown that had me in and out of psych hospitals for 8 years until I left my husband and sons..I didn't want to leave my sons with there dad..There dad tol me over and over through the years that I didn't love them and that my leaving my sons with him meant I was abandoning them....The pain of those memories ..I have to let go with God to make it..It was not an easy decision,,,I have never felt like killing someone like I did my sons dad. It seemed no matter what I did it never was right ...he would hold me against the wall and repeat thing over and over --did i understand?? He never helped me with the boys until I did something he didn't approve and he would tell me over and over how he could do things better and i was wrong..
I believed that once you were married ity was for life,,,a major sin against God if you divorced..I so tried to be the wife and mom for all. I went to counseling ..we even had marriage counseling..my husband even went to a Batterers group..and he told me later that he didn't realize that he was one..
So what does this have to do with Mothers???
I wasn't there for my sons like my mom wasn't for me...oh she was ther but I always heard" I never had a mom so i don't know what I am suppose to be like" ....So I felt all I did was raise myself and protect her ....She older sisters and brothers and a dad who did alot of things with her..I had noone..I had a few friends who she didn;t like,,and my dad chased away with his actions.. I saw my dad hit mom and vice verrsa in a drunken brawl with my brothers breaking them up. I was hiding under the table and I am sure noone saw me.
My mom said she had to do things with girls at the psych hospital where she worked at as an aide as "they said she was like a mom to them"--she forgot what I had asked her to do--make an alowance for and let it be all ok. It wasn't ok ...it hurt..
So what have I done with my sons? I haven't been there..I tried ..but I have been so afraid to loose relationships with husbands ..why? Because I needed someone to love and accept me for me...selfish..I believed Gods word too much ..afraid He too would not stay if I didn't obey..I am so stupid..to believe such lies and the consequences have stole alot of precious times I will never get ..Life goes on,,,,all I have is today ..Today I am being the mom I want to be for my sons..It is hard to let the past be the past as it hurts soooo much.......
As I see them with thier step-mom..as much as I thank God she was there ..it hurts ..I don't like to share them with another.. I am so afraid that they love her more than me...and yet I know relationships have different types of love attached..all i know as I am trying to let go once again..I know that they are married and their wives are so beautiful and their famiies are ok for me to share...it is so hard to share the role of mom.....even my mom calls them her boys and that is so painful.....it is probably my psyche.. I am sitting here crying like a baby as I write this..it is so hard to haven't have it just about me and my feelings.how about my sons? Hopw do they feel? They always say it is ok...God it isn't..I failed them ..Ididn't protect them...i wasn't there for them...
I sometimes when I get in this mood I think of God and how He must feel as we have other things and people affect our relationship with Him,,,how it really hurt Him to see His son suffer and die and hpw it has changed His realtionship with His Son as he became the God-man..God understands...I know He sees my heart....and all I can seem to do is give Him my pain from choices I made,,,and He still loves me....I remeber when I thought of my sons all I could pray was God hold them for me and protect them ..I so want tooo...all I know is that my heart was breaking....so many times I wanted to end it...my hope was that someday I would have a relationship with my sons...and I do...God is good!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Seeing things in a different light
I have recently been reading differnt things in differnt links about our relationship with the Father...on Lifestreams and a site with Darin Hoffard..Oh how good God IS.....
I say that I would have never thought that others would be leaving the churches and say it is ok as they are becoming more dependent on God and returning to the truth of who He is..Has it been God keeping me from getting into church for a reason? Here I have been somewhat geting down on myself for not going and I have shared it with God ongoing and have cried to Him for the fellowship..but what i have come to know since goingto Thursday night Bible Study at mom's and going to church it is empty..like the reason for being there is missed...it is to be for God.
God by His Spirit teaches us and is with us always. But for me that is a trust issue..I believe it as I believe with God all things are possible.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Its a New Day
Can I believe it? Is it true? That the Son is shining on me ?
It has been a journey to get here...but I am no different than any one else. It has been a hard to swallow that God is no respectors of persons. As He loves all and has created all for His glory .
Humbling...
I have thought throught the years that God only loved a selected few and my goodness you had better be a preacher or teacher or a leader ..one couldn't be a no name..It is so funny that I read and memorized John 3:16 For God so loved the world ..and that was suppose to mean me ..that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believed in Him should not perish but have everlasting life... but for years I got held up and tormented by having to believe in Him and that it had to be perfect...if their was any doubt amidst the belief it was not believing so I was doomed...tormented...
My so -called father God had become such a father of lies..So many times I would cry out and literally cry and say" God this can't be you--what is it?" A dagger through my heart ..I just wanted to know God..it was suppose to be simple..it hasn't been .....yet I am now able to see Father God in that light..that is why it IS a new day.
Has God changed? No .for our God changeth not ..He is the same yesterday , today and always. What has happened? All I can say He has had mercy on me and grace ....I was blind but now I see...It is His Amazing Love.
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