Counseling

It is in the abundance of counselors one gets victory..

I feel i should be in counseling and have started with Dr. Dan , a christian psychologist I went to 20 years ago. and who I quit going as I sensed all was well after i went through treatment and left my husband. The darkness still lingered but I attempted to deaden and ignore..if I don't acknowledge it will leave..My mystical thinking at work..I got very promiscuous and started attending Cornerstone..had attempts of exorcisms ..I started blocking and I guess started living the faith walk..lead singles worship for awhile..met #2 ..got married and got beat up several times..have the scars..I was stupid..I believed that he said he was called to be a minister...my dream was to be a ministers wife..he was in a terrible accident ..I stayed by his side..while with him I got promoted to a Director of Nursing job....seemed God was with me..Fast forward..I divorced him and went spent some time at MHI ..I wanted to die ..went through treatment again...had to go through bankruptcy was living with my folks....alot of emotions that aren't good..had another exorcism and was literally tackled at the front of the church..I did sense freedom and was warned that the enemy had a trap for me...shortly after a girl from treatment showed up at my door saying she had a call on her life..I thought "God was going to use me" ended up in a nightly stand and got pregnant...which led to an abortion ..it was so weird my mom called while I was at this place and warned me..I knew it was God and i ignored i was so angry ...I just wanted to be loved for real..the cost was great..I remember being caught up into this place and being in the presence of Jesus and their was this little girl....she ran ahead of us ..I could tell she didn't grasp the relationship as much as i ..I think that was the baby i aborted.. But God only knows those things..
I have a wonderful husband now Brad..we hardly ever fight..and I can see in his eyes he does love me..he provides very well...it is just my inwards keep crying out for God ..I was so close to ending my life after my job at Careage ..God I know made a divine appointment for me with Jeff & Liz Harshbarger..I am sure they have no clue how much me being able to correspond with them has met and how it has changed me to believe that God is with me.
Oh I struggle and it seems that I need a face to face with someone..I guess that is where Dr. Dan has come in..I did meet a couple of times with Cindy Peterson but she moved to Tulsa..I guess it was a reassurance I am on the right path..and God showing himself faithful...a God that can be trusted..
With the first counseling session I was instructed not to check out..and I guess it is why i am writing here..I did write to Jeff and shared and tagged it to Dr. Dan..The emotions are so strong and deep i fear i Will fall apart and not return,,..I will be overcome..somehow I have to get past this..I will somehow ...I have to ...I am so tired of the secret and hiding ..i have to trust that God is with me and is leading me..I keep hearing it is going to be ok..