Counseling??

I have made an inquire about getting some counseling to deal with my past issues of sexual abuse..Although it has happened years ago and yes I can say i was a victim of..I never thought it to have really affected me. I mean I know it affected me growing up..I felt like an outsider and stained with my relationship with God..I felt as i got older I was no longer pure so I might as well have sex with whoever and so I became promiscuous..and afterwards hated myself..then came the drugs and alcohol ..It wasn't like the church was much relief..I remember praying for God to show me the way to make it right with Him and an evangelist cam to our Methodist church..I gave my life to Christ ..even tho I knew it was the right thing to do..i was hounded by a presence that took the beauty out of what happened and my thoughts were in fear of the darkness..instead of forgiveness..i was met with fear. I made alot of bad choices ..I began to dabble alot in different religions and one day gave my heart to Satan as he seemed to care for me in a sic way more than God..i remember my insides crying as it was not what I wanted to do but I didn't know what else to do...I was ostracized because of my age..having to be voted into Bible studies, being told Jesus didn't save me from anything..I had no testimony..My home life was lonely and painful..Being the only girl of 4 brothers..they made fun of me..my mom had no time for me and my dad seemed to get his rocks off by teasing me unmercifully as my mom looked on as he held me tight rubbing his hard whiskers on me and sloppily kissing me and laughing ..I would kick and scream until i would cry and then he would let me go..my mother would only say "oh Bob'" and later when i complained she would tell me "that is how your dad shows he loves you" I hated it..my friends would not come over because of my dad and his actions. He liked to tease..I hated his love for me..when i was making a meal or something in the kitchen he came behind me and kissed me or pinched my butt I don't remember except feeling extremely dirty..I reeled around and slapped him on the face..he threw me against the wall and was ready to smack me ..then walked away or something ..don't remember...he didn't talk to me or look me in the eye for three days..My mom intervened and told me what i did was wrong and that I should tell him I was sorry...being the good little christian girl i was i did. Everything was hunky but his teasing was less...
I have got done reading some books on sexual abuse..in regards to how it affects ones walk with God..I am taken aback because I now see it has definitely affected me..I thought God had saved me from all the ill effects..Miraculously delivered..as i am able to talk about and tell what happened..my focus through the years has been on the knowledge of the "other" the presence that was there... maybe that is what has "saved ' me as the confusion it brought was outside of me and I did not have to get in touch with the inner torment..ahh it was there but being able to stay in the reality of the abuse is easier than talking about the 'shadows' Not being from a Christian home but I attended Sunday school and there I was introduced through the minister in 6th grade or so of satanism ..Things twist..Then also at an early age while singing "Do Lord" i was caught up in to a different realm and had an encounter with Jesus..all I can remember before I came back was that I was going to have a hard life..there was also a little girl there with blond hair...she didn't seem to view this encounter with Jesus as precious as I did..I didn't know who she was..but after a few years ago choice I made ..i know who she is..
How and do i tel my husband I need to talk to someone..I have issues with my sons( I cry alot about not being there with them..and now with their dad dead it is worse..alot of stuff has come up ..and the issue with my mom...I just can't be without anger...and then i think I am failing god by asking for some time with others..I have no church to call my own..hardly any friends or Christian ..pretty isolated..yet inwardly i am pretty arrogant..and in the next breath I see the sin of my life and cringe...Then i go into a mood if things better happen fast and I am very anxious to now I am pretty numb to God things..I need to focus that despite all He still loves me and that the Holy spirit is in control...it just seems so empty..Maybe I have worked through the abuse..can't remember..alot was addressing spirits I think..and it was easier to go there to hear the familiar voices..but now after seeing and partaking of the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living ..I want more of Him..I want the truth and life..I do believe it is a process..but God help my unbelief in this area. Why would God not want me to seek counseling? What makes it so bad that puts me in shame just to feel i need to? I mean it is not only the sexual abuse ..then there is the physical and the two failed marriages and not having my sons and letting them be raised by there dad, then the choices ..bad one's or sins I committed against myself..having someone commit suicide on your watch....being basically fired from a job one loved..being afraid to do anything with the husband I have now ..even though he has been very loving..he has threatened to kill me if I ever go with someone else like his ex .did..I have no desire for anyone else..I want this marriage to work..yes he is a heavy drinker..and sometimes I do to....but I have identified my desire is based on the relationship I have with him..and the fear of rejection. What do ya think???Is counseling in order or is all the doors shutting mean god doesn't want it for me? Confusing so i have to emotionally shut down..as i have to be normal.