It has been awhile since I have wrote..lots of things going on ..mainly in my head...recently dx with high blood pressure..found at the dentist office ..should be grateful and I am to some degree ..yet I just seem to take that I am not to have a life in this life...one would have to have lived my life to understand ...
Counseling is going..I am comfortable with the Dr. So much keeps coming up ..I want to remain truthful in all ...but yet is the inward struggle of why God why ?? I know the past is over yet it has such a hold on me...the reason I wanted to go to begin with is so that I can love others as God would have me..and how to deal with my mom and sons...the emotions of all as they can get very intense and i am afraid I may loose it ...whatever that means..
I honestly don't know what to say ..yet i am sitting here writing in tears..am I depressed?? Is it hormones???I feel ok...God why did you make me this way? or why did I end up this way? The fog seems to lift and I am here alone...they come and go and when they know they can trip me up ..they leave and later come back to mess with me again...the ins and outs or switching that goes on...who am I ?? who is the real one?? why am I aware of all ??? I know if I would choose to give in to the one I would be no more....it is pretty scary..alot of taunting ....the other is the pretender ..so know one would know....good girl and party girl take up the ranks altho the party one has diminished yet she remains on the side of the wall.. A person is body ,soul and spirit. and maybe if God is on the inside that would make 4..makes no sense the hows and whys...it just is...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Careage Hills past
My friend Di just emailed me and said my old boss Marilyn Peck died yesterday afternoon from cancer that had come back..I like Di shared of some mixed emotions..altho Di was fired..I was railroaded and because of a burn -out walked away..issues..micro management by Marilyn ..I was once again a so-called victim ...she had hired a careplan nurse when i took a vacation .I knew nothing about her and so got off on the wrong foot...as she was quiet..but competent..I was glad that she was hired yet not being on the hiring process I had no clue what she was about...she had experience in being a Director..and apparently wanted my job which buy the time I left she had..started off was to make her my asst. Director..why? the facility wasn't big enough ..Marilyn just didn't like the fact that I used Tammy a LPN as my right hand person..but we clicked..I guess a jealousy went on between the North and the south...I was the south and i lost..
I realized that I had issues with Tammy that i needed to address..as she was manipulating me to the max..another reason for my stress..Marilyn would go to her instead of me.. as she would ascertain that what Tammy said I had said or wanted..not always the case..nonetheless Admin and DON had a breakdown in communication..it didn't help that the owners wanted me to approach Marilyn with her attitude..I think that was the demise of my position..
I loved that job and the philosophy that the NH was established on..ah but that is too a delusion I believed in ...we are men and we lie..or I should say women and we destroy each other without mercy..Cruel , evil....how could I have been so stupid??? why i should have seen It coming...i guess i did in away ..I think the Spirit came to me on break and kinda broke the ice and let me sense that there was going to be alot of change..ah there was..Walking away from that job...getting a charge nurse and than 3 DON jobs in which I got calls for except the first one..crossing paths with Jeff H. quitting smoking, sons married, their dad dying, becoming a grandma, Brad's best friends dying and died, mom's husband dying,getting the job I have now..fast pace and leaning that God is for me..that is the biggest one..
I realized that I had issues with Tammy that i needed to address..as she was manipulating me to the max..another reason for my stress..Marilyn would go to her instead of me.. as she would ascertain that what Tammy said I had said or wanted..not always the case..nonetheless Admin and DON had a breakdown in communication..it didn't help that the owners wanted me to approach Marilyn with her attitude..I think that was the demise of my position..
I loved that job and the philosophy that the NH was established on..ah but that is too a delusion I believed in ...we are men and we lie..or I should say women and we destroy each other without mercy..Cruel , evil....how could I have been so stupid??? why i should have seen It coming...i guess i did in away ..I think the Spirit came to me on break and kinda broke the ice and let me sense that there was going to be alot of change..ah there was..Walking away from that job...getting a charge nurse and than 3 DON jobs in which I got calls for except the first one..crossing paths with Jeff H. quitting smoking, sons married, their dad dying, becoming a grandma, Brad's best friends dying and died, mom's husband dying,getting the job I have now..fast pace and leaning that God is for me..that is the biggest one..
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Counseling
It is in the abundance of counselors one gets victory..
I feel i should be in counseling and have started with Dr. Dan , a christian psychologist I went to 20 years ago. and who I quit going as I sensed all was well after i went through treatment and left my husband. The darkness still lingered but I attempted to deaden and ignore..if I don't acknowledge it will leave..My mystical thinking at work..I got very promiscuous and started attending Cornerstone..had attempts of exorcisms ..I started blocking and I guess started living the faith walk..lead singles worship for awhile..met #2 ..got married and got beat up several times..have the scars..I was stupid..I believed that he said he was called to be a minister...my dream was to be a ministers wife..he was in a terrible accident ..I stayed by his side..while with him I got promoted to a Director of Nursing job....seemed God was with me..Fast forward..I divorced him and went spent some time at MHI ..I wanted to die ..went through treatment again...had to go through bankruptcy was living with my folks....alot of emotions that aren't good..had another exorcism and was literally tackled at the front of the church..I did sense freedom and was warned that the enemy had a trap for me...shortly after a girl from treatment showed up at my door saying she had a call on her life..I thought "God was going to use me" ended up in a nightly stand and got pregnant...which led to an abortion ..it was so weird my mom called while I was at this place and warned me..I knew it was God and i ignored i was so angry ...I just wanted to be loved for real..the cost was great..I remember being caught up into this place and being in the presence of Jesus and their was this little girl....she ran ahead of us ..I could tell she didn't grasp the relationship as much as i ..I think that was the baby i aborted.. But God only knows those things..
I have a wonderful husband now Brad..we hardly ever fight..and I can see in his eyes he does love me..he provides very well...it is just my inwards keep crying out for God ..I was so close to ending my life after my job at Careage ..God I know made a divine appointment for me with Jeff & Liz Harshbarger..I am sure they have no clue how much me being able to correspond with them has met and how it has changed me to believe that God is with me.
Oh I struggle and it seems that I need a face to face with someone..I guess that is where Dr. Dan has come in..I did meet a couple of times with Cindy Peterson but she moved to Tulsa..I guess it was a reassurance I am on the right path..and God showing himself faithful...a God that can be trusted..
With the first counseling session I was instructed not to check out..and I guess it is why i am writing here..I did write to Jeff and shared and tagged it to Dr. Dan..The emotions are so strong and deep i fear i Will fall apart and not return,,..I will be overcome..somehow I have to get past this..I will somehow ...I have to ...I am so tired of the secret and hiding ..i have to trust that God is with me and is leading me..I keep hearing it is going to be ok..
I feel i should be in counseling and have started with Dr. Dan , a christian psychologist I went to 20 years ago. and who I quit going as I sensed all was well after i went through treatment and left my husband. The darkness still lingered but I attempted to deaden and ignore..if I don't acknowledge it will leave..My mystical thinking at work..I got very promiscuous and started attending Cornerstone..had attempts of exorcisms ..I started blocking and I guess started living the faith walk..lead singles worship for awhile..met #2 ..got married and got beat up several times..have the scars..I was stupid..I believed that he said he was called to be a minister...my dream was to be a ministers wife..he was in a terrible accident ..I stayed by his side..while with him I got promoted to a Director of Nursing job....seemed God was with me..Fast forward..I divorced him and went spent some time at MHI ..I wanted to die ..went through treatment again...had to go through bankruptcy was living with my folks....alot of emotions that aren't good..had another exorcism and was literally tackled at the front of the church..I did sense freedom and was warned that the enemy had a trap for me...shortly after a girl from treatment showed up at my door saying she had a call on her life..I thought "God was going to use me" ended up in a nightly stand and got pregnant...which led to an abortion ..it was so weird my mom called while I was at this place and warned me..I knew it was God and i ignored i was so angry ...I just wanted to be loved for real..the cost was great..I remember being caught up into this place and being in the presence of Jesus and their was this little girl....she ran ahead of us ..I could tell she didn't grasp the relationship as much as i ..I think that was the baby i aborted.. But God only knows those things..
I have a wonderful husband now Brad..we hardly ever fight..and I can see in his eyes he does love me..he provides very well...it is just my inwards keep crying out for God ..I was so close to ending my life after my job at Careage ..God I know made a divine appointment for me with Jeff & Liz Harshbarger..I am sure they have no clue how much me being able to correspond with them has met and how it has changed me to believe that God is with me.
Oh I struggle and it seems that I need a face to face with someone..I guess that is where Dr. Dan has come in..I did meet a couple of times with Cindy Peterson but she moved to Tulsa..I guess it was a reassurance I am on the right path..and God showing himself faithful...a God that can be trusted..
With the first counseling session I was instructed not to check out..and I guess it is why i am writing here..I did write to Jeff and shared and tagged it to Dr. Dan..The emotions are so strong and deep i fear i Will fall apart and not return,,..I will be overcome..somehow I have to get past this..I will somehow ...I have to ...I am so tired of the secret and hiding ..i have to trust that God is with me and is leading me..I keep hearing it is going to be ok..
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Counseling??
I have made an inquire about getting some counseling to deal with my past issues of sexual abuse..Although it has happened years ago and yes I can say i was a victim of..I never thought it to have really affected me. I mean I know it affected me growing up..I felt like an outsider and stained with my relationship with God..I felt as i got older I was no longer pure so I might as well have sex with whoever and so I became promiscuous..and afterwards hated myself..then came the drugs and alcohol ..It wasn't like the church was much relief..I remember praying for God to show me the way to make it right with Him and an evangelist cam to our Methodist church..I gave my life to Christ ..even tho I knew it was the right thing to do..i was hounded by a presence that took the beauty out of what happened and my thoughts were in fear of the darkness..instead of forgiveness..i was met with fear. I made alot of bad choices ..I began to dabble alot in different religions and one day gave my heart to Satan as he seemed to care for me in a sic way more than God..i remember my insides crying as it was not what I wanted to do but I didn't know what else to do...I was ostracized because of my age..having to be voted into Bible studies, being told Jesus didn't save me from anything..I had no testimony..My home life was lonely and painful..Being the only girl of 4 brothers..they made fun of me..my mom had no time for me and my dad seemed to get his rocks off by teasing me unmercifully as my mom looked on as he held me tight rubbing his hard whiskers on me and sloppily kissing me and laughing ..I would kick and scream until i would cry and then he would let me go..my mother would only say "oh Bob'" and later when i complained she would tell me "that is how your dad shows he loves you" I hated it..my friends would not come over because of my dad and his actions. He liked to tease..I hated his love for me..when i was making a meal or something in the kitchen he came behind me and kissed me or pinched my butt I don't remember except feeling extremely dirty..I reeled around and slapped him on the face..he threw me against the wall and was ready to smack me ..then walked away or something ..don't remember...he didn't talk to me or look me in the eye for three days..My mom intervened and told me what i did was wrong and that I should tell him I was sorry...being the good little christian girl i was i did. Everything was hunky but his teasing was less...
I have got done reading some books on sexual abuse..in regards to how it affects ones walk with God..I am taken aback because I now see it has definitely affected me..I thought God had saved me from all the ill effects..Miraculously delivered..as i am able to talk about and tell what happened..my focus through the years has been on the knowledge of the "other" the presence that was there... maybe that is what has "saved ' me as the confusion it brought was outside of me and I did not have to get in touch with the inner torment..ahh it was there but being able to stay in the reality of the abuse is easier than talking about the 'shadows' Not being from a Christian home but I attended Sunday school and there I was introduced through the minister in 6th grade or so of satanism ..Things twist..Then also at an early age while singing "Do Lord" i was caught up in to a different realm and had an encounter with Jesus..all I can remember before I came back was that I was going to have a hard life..there was also a little girl there with blond hair...she didn't seem to view this encounter with Jesus as precious as I did..I didn't know who she was..but after a few years ago choice I made ..i know who she is..
How and do i tel my husband I need to talk to someone..I have issues with my sons( I cry alot about not being there with them..and now with their dad dead it is worse..alot of stuff has come up ..and the issue with my mom...I just can't be without anger...and then i think I am failing god by asking for some time with others..I have no church to call my own..hardly any friends or Christian ..pretty isolated..yet inwardly i am pretty arrogant..and in the next breath I see the sin of my life and cringe...Then i go into a mood if things better happen fast and I am very anxious to now I am pretty numb to God things..I need to focus that despite all He still loves me and that the Holy spirit is in control...it just seems so empty..Maybe I have worked through the abuse..can't remember..alot was addressing spirits I think..and it was easier to go there to hear the familiar voices..but now after seeing and partaking of the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living ..I want more of Him..I want the truth and life..I do believe it is a process..but God help my unbelief in this area. Why would God not want me to seek counseling? What makes it so bad that puts me in shame just to feel i need to? I mean it is not only the sexual abuse ..then there is the physical and the two failed marriages and not having my sons and letting them be raised by there dad, then the choices ..bad one's or sins I committed against myself..having someone commit suicide on your watch....being basically fired from a job one loved..being afraid to do anything with the husband I have now ..even though he has been very loving..he has threatened to kill me if I ever go with someone else like his ex .did..I have no desire for anyone else..I want this marriage to work..yes he is a heavy drinker..and sometimes I do to....but I have identified my desire is based on the relationship I have with him..and the fear of rejection. What do ya think???Is counseling in order or is all the doors shutting mean god doesn't want it for me? Confusing so i have to emotionally shut down..as i have to be normal.
I have got done reading some books on sexual abuse..in regards to how it affects ones walk with God..I am taken aback because I now see it has definitely affected me..I thought God had saved me from all the ill effects..Miraculously delivered..as i am able to talk about and tell what happened..my focus through the years has been on the knowledge of the "other" the presence that was there... maybe that is what has "saved ' me as the confusion it brought was outside of me and I did not have to get in touch with the inner torment..ahh it was there but being able to stay in the reality of the abuse is easier than talking about the 'shadows' Not being from a Christian home but I attended Sunday school and there I was introduced through the minister in 6th grade or so of satanism ..Things twist..Then also at an early age while singing "Do Lord" i was caught up in to a different realm and had an encounter with Jesus..all I can remember before I came back was that I was going to have a hard life..there was also a little girl there with blond hair...she didn't seem to view this encounter with Jesus as precious as I did..I didn't know who she was..but after a few years ago choice I made ..i know who she is..
How and do i tel my husband I need to talk to someone..I have issues with my sons( I cry alot about not being there with them..and now with their dad dead it is worse..alot of stuff has come up ..and the issue with my mom...I just can't be without anger...and then i think I am failing god by asking for some time with others..I have no church to call my own..hardly any friends or Christian ..pretty isolated..yet inwardly i am pretty arrogant..and in the next breath I see the sin of my life and cringe...Then i go into a mood if things better happen fast and I am very anxious to now I am pretty numb to God things..I need to focus that despite all He still loves me and that the Holy spirit is in control...it just seems so empty..Maybe I have worked through the abuse..can't remember..alot was addressing spirits I think..and it was easier to go there to hear the familiar voices..but now after seeing and partaking of the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living ..I want more of Him..I want the truth and life..I do believe it is a process..but God help my unbelief in this area. Why would God not want me to seek counseling? What makes it so bad that puts me in shame just to feel i need to? I mean it is not only the sexual abuse ..then there is the physical and the two failed marriages and not having my sons and letting them be raised by there dad, then the choices ..bad one's or sins I committed against myself..having someone commit suicide on your watch....being basically fired from a job one loved..being afraid to do anything with the husband I have now ..even though he has been very loving..he has threatened to kill me if I ever go with someone else like his ex .did..I have no desire for anyone else..I want this marriage to work..yes he is a heavy drinker..and sometimes I do to....but I have identified my desire is based on the relationship I have with him..and the fear of rejection. What do ya think???Is counseling in order or is all the doors shutting mean god doesn't want it for me? Confusing so i have to emotionally shut down..as i have to be normal.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Journaling: Wounded Heart
How am I feeling about this guide?
I have been feeling that there is more to having been sexually abused as a child that hurt me..i have numbed myself thinking that God was taking care of it all and it hasn't affected me..and if it did it was my fault that it does affect me. I don't know after reading the book and now doing the workbook ..the answers are my answers and can relate to so many things already brought up..I have been struggling with the person hood of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit..but it has been since I told God I wanted to allow the Holy Spirit to has his way that this area just keeps coming up...the truth of the matter is that it Does matter to god.. God know s my heart and I can identify with the idolatry and to me a smug self-righteousness that I can't seem to escape that causes me to to want to throw -up..It is so ugly ..I do not know where this will take me but it is time to address.Am i scared..fearful maybe..I honestly can't say how i am..still pretty numb to say the least that I am addressing this .Life is too short to not embrace life and see God the way He wants me to see Him not to love others in such way that would bring God glory...that I guess is the purpose ..I want to be able to give God the best ..I want to give Him me ..I do not want to hold back and I want to see my life in His truth...I am inwardly hurting and this am i heard Joyce Meyer say''we are wanting others to fix what only God can" and I guess that is where I am at.. I can't fix me...my innards cry out to God..others ..I can't seem to connect with them...I am grateful that God has brought me this far and I guess I can trust Him to continue...he brought Pastor Jeff&Liz in my life via the PC ..how I do not know and why they are so kind and willing to help me i do not know,,,,just alot has happened over the last few years..God showing up and me seeing Him as loving me..but it looks as tho He is ever so gently being with me...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Give Me this Day ..my daily bread
Isn't God good.??..I am picking up and moving on..Back reflecting on the Lord's prayer..God's timing is so right on..and I guess that speaks alot for this verse..
God so know s what we need even before we ask....no sparrow falls unseen --How one can trust..or one should trust Father God..I seem to worry and fret about things..not as much as i use to but I am sure it is there as I am quickened within me at times that God is in control.
Daily bread..what is this bread?? It say s in the scripture that Jesus is the bread of life..not speaking of food..maybe it is a way a to once again try and calm our fears and anxieties and allow us to "see" that Jesus is ever present ...He is the substance of ones life..if ones eyes are focused on Him one will live. The choices that one has to make throughout the day ..knowing He is ever present changes how one would approach the day. But like bread at a table..one needs to reach out and take...and put in ones mouth and chew and swallow..God gave the bread but it is up to us to take and eat..
As I reflect on this verse my thoughts are seeing Father God as a baker ..making bread..the aroma is awesome and in His perfect timing he brings it forth and asks us to eat...He cuts it in perfect size for us to take ..just what we need....and watches over as we taste and savor what has been given...just like most cooks (anyway I delight in fixing meals and enjoy watching others as they partake..it fulfills me.....) God's mercies are new every morning...God delights in us...if He delights in us---why would he not feed us?
Feeding spiritual food for the soul.the sustenance that keeps us wanting more --hungering after Him...desiring that which satisfies..yet one knows that we are given just enough for our journey here on earth but the banquet will be in heaven!!! I can only imagine!!
So I am once again humbled and ask for forgiveness for not believing and trusting the father as i should..How I do thank Him for His Word that even when I am faithless.... He remains faithful..Oh that my trust would grow ..
God so know s what we need even before we ask....no sparrow falls unseen --How one can trust..or one should trust Father God..I seem to worry and fret about things..not as much as i use to but I am sure it is there as I am quickened within me at times that God is in control.
Daily bread..what is this bread?? It say s in the scripture that Jesus is the bread of life..not speaking of food..maybe it is a way a to once again try and calm our fears and anxieties and allow us to "see" that Jesus is ever present ...He is the substance of ones life..if ones eyes are focused on Him one will live. The choices that one has to make throughout the day ..knowing He is ever present changes how one would approach the day. But like bread at a table..one needs to reach out and take...and put in ones mouth and chew and swallow..God gave the bread but it is up to us to take and eat..
As I reflect on this verse my thoughts are seeing Father God as a baker ..making bread..the aroma is awesome and in His perfect timing he brings it forth and asks us to eat...He cuts it in perfect size for us to take ..just what we need....and watches over as we taste and savor what has been given...just like most cooks (anyway I delight in fixing meals and enjoy watching others as they partake..it fulfills me.....) God's mercies are new every morning...God delights in us...if He delights in us---why would he not feed us?
Feeding spiritual food for the soul.the sustenance that keeps us wanting more --hungering after Him...desiring that which satisfies..yet one knows that we are given just enough for our journey here on earth but the banquet will be in heaven!!! I can only imagine!!
So I am once again humbled and ask for forgiveness for not believing and trusting the father as i should..How I do thank Him for His Word that even when I am faithless.... He remains faithful..Oh that my trust would grow ..
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sons
I suppose I should finish the thoughts on the Lord's prayer ..but I am not there. Meaning that it is now Christmas time..the birthday of Jesus ..the reason for the season as some say and I believe. But somehow He has been downplayed to some extent and in some circles of culture.
Jesus was God's Only begotten Son...who came to earth ..having given up for awhile being in a close relationship with His Father in heaven..a sacrifice that changed humanity as well as Jesus..as He became a God-man...no longer God-god...Amazing Love for us as well as His and Our Father.
Sons...I have two... I would love to say that i have been there for them...I would love to say i was a good mom..I did the best ..and sometimes I am so ashamed of my faults at being a mother..I want to so move on in my life in this area as it grieves me so..No one understands except Father God ..and oh I would so love to just sit in His prescence and ask for help and I do ...but you know to have God be the physical prescence..the face to face..last night my husband held me as I wept and I finally opened up and said I am so afraid of being second class to my sons..to be second in line from their step-mom. I know of having surrogate mom's--I had to have them for my mom...my mom was never there for me not as I wanted her to be..maybe that is why I was unable to give to my sons and maybe that is why I needed them to have a step-mom because I was so lost..I didn't even have any sisters to help or siblings that took an interest in me that didn't seem ashamed of me being their family.
I realize that the past is over and has been for some time ..but my heart aches for my sons ..Part of me can say maybe I am reaping what I sown with my sons. Yes ..i left them with their dad..the marriage was needing to end before i took my life or ended his. He told me over and over that I didn't love my sons..It broke my heart everytime he told me that I would cry...I allowed him to destroy me ..I believed he knew better than me...I felt as if i had no choice...I believed he had more rights than me as he was the man .. I knew I had to leave without my sons..I had left twice before with them and I was not strong enough and coward as my sons needed a relationship with there dad and I didn't want to fail as "God hated divorce"..I felt as if the marriage was up to me..to work..but it takes two....I never had a marriage with their dad..I was only married...but I loved their dad..but it wasn't mutual....I realized that during marriage counseling when we were trying to work on getting back together...." Harland you say you love her..saying you love someone is easy to do..but what have you done to show her that you lve her? " His answer was "what do you mean?" He said" Have you ever went shopping with her even if you didn't want to but did anyway because it would mean something to her?" A: "No".."Did you ever allow her friends to come over or do things with them because it would mean so much to your wife?" A: "No" " Did you ever just clean the house or fix a meal as you know she needed a break--to help her out?" A: "no" I answered the questions earlier..I changed my friends..I learned about turkeys...I gave to my sons dad all I could ..was I stupid? In some ways yes---I wanted the marriage to work... I had to be hospitalized numerous times for depression and had a complete breakdown in "1982" I had baggage from my past..incest, rape,living the life of an abandon and abused child...usage of drugs and alcohol to feel accepted and loved.. such falseness..I don't remember him helping with the boys.. changing diapers--I was not allowed to let them use a pacifier..I could not use pampers (or disposable)..I was not allowed to spend money on them for new outfits...I didn't work outside the home ..for short spirts i did until I allowed him to attack me verbally until i was a wreck and had to quit...my life was my sons...they were all I had because their dad was never with me --he had his friends and he his life..I cleaned the house and he would not care ..he would get angry and break things and put holes in walls..I feared him .if he ever connected to me ..I wouldn't be here..I prayed so much that my sons would be protected and not remember ...when my sons were sick and hospitalized he would not allow me to be with them ..I needed to stay with my husband..How can I forgive myself for believing such lies? I have reaped ..the tears I have cried through the years..why didn't I stand up? He was so big and I didn't know I could or should...and so I feel my sons see thier mom as one who did not love them...but I do...I did not kill myself or their dad so they had thier parents..I made the choice to let them stay with their dad so they would not be exposed to the fighting if I kept them..I made the choice for them to stay with there dad as they would not have to change schools and his job was more stable.. I had read about divorce and that sons need ther're dads ..yes they need ther're moms but having a dad in there life would be a better influence....me moving would be less disruptive as I could leave basically everything witht the,, the times before I left we had to get everything as he told me all was His...he had worked for it all...Self -esteem...I had none.
Even when I left he told me I abandonened my sons..I do not think allowing your husband to raise your sons is abandonment...
And now ther dad is dead...they have a step-mom and sister...I have been asked to open my heart and watch my attitude with....I will do but the cost is painful..more than they will ever know...I AM YOUR MOM I GAVE YOU BIRTH,,,,yet a mom is more than a body right??? Why the tears.....maybe I am just a selfish bitch who wants it all??
Jesus was God's Only begotten Son...who came to earth ..having given up for awhile being in a close relationship with His Father in heaven..a sacrifice that changed humanity as well as Jesus..as He became a God-man...no longer God-god...Amazing Love for us as well as His and Our Father.
Sons...I have two... I would love to say that i have been there for them...I would love to say i was a good mom..I did the best ..and sometimes I am so ashamed of my faults at being a mother..I want to so move on in my life in this area as it grieves me so..No one understands except Father God ..and oh I would so love to just sit in His prescence and ask for help and I do ...but you know to have God be the physical prescence..the face to face..last night my husband held me as I wept and I finally opened up and said I am so afraid of being second class to my sons..to be second in line from their step-mom. I know of having surrogate mom's--I had to have them for my mom...my mom was never there for me not as I wanted her to be..maybe that is why I was unable to give to my sons and maybe that is why I needed them to have a step-mom because I was so lost..I didn't even have any sisters to help or siblings that took an interest in me that didn't seem ashamed of me being their family.
I realize that the past is over and has been for some time ..but my heart aches for my sons ..Part of me can say maybe I am reaping what I sown with my sons. Yes ..i left them with their dad..the marriage was needing to end before i took my life or ended his. He told me over and over that I didn't love my sons..It broke my heart everytime he told me that I would cry...I allowed him to destroy me ..I believed he knew better than me...I felt as if i had no choice...I believed he had more rights than me as he was the man .. I knew I had to leave without my sons..I had left twice before with them and I was not strong enough and coward as my sons needed a relationship with there dad and I didn't want to fail as "God hated divorce"..I felt as if the marriage was up to me..to work..but it takes two....I never had a marriage with their dad..I was only married...but I loved their dad..but it wasn't mutual....I realized that during marriage counseling when we were trying to work on getting back together...." Harland you say you love her..saying you love someone is easy to do..but what have you done to show her that you lve her? " His answer was "what do you mean?" He said" Have you ever went shopping with her even if you didn't want to but did anyway because it would mean something to her?" A: "No".."Did you ever allow her friends to come over or do things with them because it would mean so much to your wife?" A: "No" " Did you ever just clean the house or fix a meal as you know she needed a break--to help her out?" A: "no" I answered the questions earlier..I changed my friends..I learned about turkeys...I gave to my sons dad all I could ..was I stupid? In some ways yes---I wanted the marriage to work... I had to be hospitalized numerous times for depression and had a complete breakdown in "1982" I had baggage from my past..incest, rape,living the life of an abandon and abused child...usage of drugs and alcohol to feel accepted and loved.. such falseness..I don't remember him helping with the boys.. changing diapers--I was not allowed to let them use a pacifier..I could not use pampers (or disposable)..I was not allowed to spend money on them for new outfits...I didn't work outside the home ..for short spirts i did until I allowed him to attack me verbally until i was a wreck and had to quit...my life was my sons...they were all I had because their dad was never with me --he had his friends and he his life..I cleaned the house and he would not care ..he would get angry and break things and put holes in walls..I feared him .if he ever connected to me ..I wouldn't be here..I prayed so much that my sons would be protected and not remember ...when my sons were sick and hospitalized he would not allow me to be with them ..I needed to stay with my husband..How can I forgive myself for believing such lies? I have reaped ..the tears I have cried through the years..why didn't I stand up? He was so big and I didn't know I could or should...and so I feel my sons see thier mom as one who did not love them...but I do...I did not kill myself or their dad so they had thier parents..I made the choice to let them stay with their dad so they would not be exposed to the fighting if I kept them..I made the choice for them to stay with there dad as they would not have to change schools and his job was more stable.. I had read about divorce and that sons need ther're dads ..yes they need ther're moms but having a dad in there life would be a better influence....me moving would be less disruptive as I could leave basically everything witht the,, the times before I left we had to get everything as he told me all was His...he had worked for it all...Self -esteem...I had none.
Even when I left he told me I abandonened my sons..I do not think allowing your husband to raise your sons is abandonment...
And now ther dad is dead...they have a step-mom and sister...I have been asked to open my heart and watch my attitude with....I will do but the cost is painful..more than they will ever know...I AM YOUR MOM I GAVE YOU BIRTH,,,,yet a mom is more than a body right??? Why the tears.....maybe I am just a selfish bitch who wants it all??
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