Thoughts

It has been awhile since I have wrote..lots of things going on ..mainly in my head...recently dx with high blood pressure..found at the dentist office ..should be grateful and I am to some degree ..yet I just seem to take that I am not to have a life in this life...one would have to have lived my life to understand ...

Counseling is going..I am comfortable with the Dr. So much keeps coming up ..I want to remain truthful in all ...but yet is the inward struggle of why God why ?? I know the past is over yet it has such a hold on me...the reason I wanted to go to begin with is so that I can love others as God would have me..and how to deal with my mom and sons...the emotions of all as they can get very intense and i am afraid I may loose it ...whatever that means..

I honestly don't know what to say ..yet i am sitting here writing in tears..am I depressed?? Is it hormones???I feel ok...God why did you make me this way? or why did I end up this way? The fog seems to lift and I am here alone...they come and go and when they know they can trip me up ..they leave and later come back to mess with me again...the ins and outs or switching that goes on...who am I ?? who is the real one?? why am I aware of all ??? I know if I would choose to give in to the one I would be no more....it is pretty scary..alot of taunting ....the other is the pretender ..so know one would know....good girl and party girl take up the ranks altho the party one has diminished yet she remains on the side of the wall.. A person is body ,soul and spirit. and maybe if God is on the inside that would make 4..makes no sense the hows and whys...it just is...