Sons

I suppose I should finish the thoughts on the Lord's prayer ..but I am not there. Meaning that it is now Christmas time..the birthday of Jesus ..the reason for the season as some say and I believe. But somehow He has been downplayed to some extent and in some circles of culture.

Jesus was God's Only begotten Son...who came to earth ..having given up for awhile being in a close relationship with His Father in heaven..a sacrifice that changed humanity as well as Jesus..as He became a God-man...no longer God-god...Amazing Love for us as well as His and Our Father.

Sons...I have two... I would love to say that i have been there for them...I would love to say i was a good mom..I did the best ..and sometimes I am so ashamed of my faults at being a mother..I want to so move on in my life in this area as it grieves me so..No one understands except Father God ..and oh I would so love to just sit in His prescence and ask for help and I do ...but you know to have God be the physical prescence..the face to face..last night my husband held me as I wept and I finally opened up and said I am so afraid of being second class to my sons..to be second in line from their step-mom. I know of having surrogate mom's--I had to have them for my mom...my mom was never there for me not as I wanted her to be..maybe that is why I was unable to give to my sons and maybe that is why I needed them to have a step-mom because I was so lost..I didn't even have any sisters to help or siblings that took an interest in me that didn't seem ashamed of me being their family.

I realize that the past is over and has been for some time ..but my heart aches for my sons ..Part of me can say maybe I am reaping what I sown with my sons. Yes ..i left them with their dad..the marriage was needing to end before i took my life or ended his. He told me over and over that I didn't love my sons..It broke my heart everytime he told me that I would cry...I allowed him to destroy me ..I believed he knew better than me...I felt as if i had no choice...I believed he had more rights than me as he was the man .. I knew I had to leave without my sons..I had left twice before with them and I was not strong enough and coward as my sons needed a relationship with there dad and I didn't want to fail as "God hated divorce"..I felt as if the marriage was up to me..to work..but it takes two....I never had a marriage with their dad..I was only married...but I loved their dad..but it wasn't mutual....I realized that during marriage counseling when we were trying to work on getting back together...." Harland you say you love her..saying you love someone is easy to do..but what have you done to show her that you lve her? " His answer was "what do you mean?" He said" Have you ever went shopping with her even if you didn't want to but did anyway because it would mean something to her?" A: "No".."Did you ever allow her friends to come over or do things with them because it would mean so much to your wife?" A: "No" " Did you ever just clean the house or fix a meal as you know she needed a break--to help her out?" A: "no" I answered the questions earlier..I changed my friends..I learned about turkeys...I gave to my sons dad all I could ..was I stupid? In some ways yes---I wanted the marriage to work... I had to be hospitalized numerous times for depression and had a complete breakdown in "1982" I had baggage from my past..incest, rape,living the life of an abandon and abused child...usage of drugs and alcohol to feel accepted and loved.. such falseness..I don't remember him helping with the boys.. changing diapers--I was not allowed to let them use a pacifier..I could not use pampers (or disposable)..I was not allowed to spend money on them for new outfits...I didn't work outside the home ..for short spirts i did until I allowed him to attack me verbally until i was a wreck and had to quit...my life was my sons...they were all I had because their dad was never with me --he had his friends and he his life..I cleaned the house and he would not care ..he would get angry and break things and put holes in walls..I feared him .if he ever connected to me ..I wouldn't be here..I prayed so much that my sons would be protected and not remember ...when my sons were sick and hospitalized he would not allow me to be with them ..I needed to stay with my husband..How can I forgive myself for believing such lies? I have reaped ..the tears I have cried through the years..why didn't I stand up? He was so big and I didn't know I could or should...and so I feel my sons see thier mom as one who did not love them...but I do...I did not kill myself or their dad so they had thier parents..I made the choice to let them stay with their dad so they would not be exposed to the fighting if I kept them..I made the choice for them to stay with there dad as they would not have to change schools and his job was more stable.. I had read about divorce and that sons need ther're dads ..yes they need ther're moms but having a dad in there life would be a better influence....me moving would be less disruptive as I could leave basically everything witht the,, the times before I left we had to get everything as he told me all was His...he had worked for it all...Self -esteem...I had none.
Even when I left he told me I abandonened my sons..I do not think allowing your husband to raise your sons is abandonment...
And now ther dad is dead...they have a step-mom and sister...I have been asked to open my heart and watch my attitude with....I will do but the cost is painful..more than they will ever know...I AM YOUR MOM I GAVE YOU BIRTH,,,,yet a mom is more than a body right??? Why the tears.....maybe I am just a selfish bitch who wants it all??